TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN