Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
those birds must be on payroll
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.