*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced