Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.