Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”