This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me