Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay