[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.