I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
You Might Also Like
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Confused owl: What?!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.