The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.