A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Fluff me with a fork baby
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that