Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food