water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.