Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
fly smarter, not harder
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.