Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Duck typos.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off