Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo