Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
You Might Also Like
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.