Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.