DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The three genders
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*