If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
What number SPF blocks people?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”