Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A leaf blower, but for people.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Please do it!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.