Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.