Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
smartest karate player in the world
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.