I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure