My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
buying dead houseplants to save time
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.