“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.