Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Has science gone too far?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Meow
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂