PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
don’t we all
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?