Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
a public service announcement
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.