If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!