The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Very good news from my accountant
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Just ordered me some pizza!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool