Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Incredible customer service.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts