This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever