If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-