If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Yep.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Confused owl: What?!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them