I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
In space, no one can hear…
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.