Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
You Might Also Like
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times