My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My daily affirmation
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.