My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
This is true.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey