My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.