(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
This is always good for a laugh.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed