Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.