Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.