What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
what’s more important?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
😬
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I hope this email finds you in a well