[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
What about second breakfast?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
This forever.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”