My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Breaking news:
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”