A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.