Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’