My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
You Might Also Like
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
inventing words: clothing
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.