This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*has no idea what a book even is*
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.